Hi~ I have determined I'm trans

This page covers an abridgement of my jorny[sic] to realizing, ideally some memes/media that helped me along the way, and possibly an easter egg or two.

Needs a couple more tumblr posts for reference but otherwise presentable.

But how did you knoooooow

Dawg I still don't 100%.

Complications

• Raised in a religious environment with strong gender segregation. Locked into my own track in life. Lots of guilt and shame about everything
• Raised with minimal emotional support. Always wondering if I don't feel like a man because I want to distance myself from my father or perhaps because he made me feel like my existence is an ongoing mistake/disappointment.
• Rarely strong disassociation with assigned gender (AMAB) but definitely pretty weak association. could be non-biney but that's also trans

Compelling Evidence

• So many times I've looked in the mirror and been like "That's supposed to be me?"
• When I undress before a shower, I pointedly avoid looking at my crotch when I'm visible in a mirror - to the point where i've held up my hand to block the view.
• I think even at a young age, I was like damn if something removed that thang off me I'd be like good riddence.
• Read dozens of gender bend webcomics and wondered by the protagonist was unhappy suddenly being a girl? Ungrateful?? I'll take your place?? Please?
• I've been on Deviantart since 2015 and I award that with the credit for why on several ocassions I imagined, what if this time I woke up as a beautiful woman with my hair lightly crossing into my vision. Would I have the wherewithal to notice the hair or the breasts before checking the mirror? Would there be a comic panel of me having to check my pants visually and exclaiming "it's gone!". Would I be smiling before I even check the mirror?
• Was told to try doing a cross dress Halloween costume just to see whether the vibe worked. I was sooo antsy about it. Settled on Yosano Akiko from Bungo Stray Dogs, a badass medic girl. Had to hunt down clothing items and figure out how to make a prop sword, and the opportunity kept me awake at night for like two weeks with excitement and nervousness. I think I expected more emotion when i tried on the skirt and outfit, but I think it was also the first time I felt dysphoria properly? Like I put on blouse, skirt, stockings, gloves, tie, wig and everything felt fantastic but I looked in the mirror with such disappointment at my face and chest ruining the look. I won the party's award for cutest and was stunned
• There was one week within the last couple months where I felt myself seize up while working from home, and shortly thereafter was clean shaven, with mascara/eyeliner, earing a loose floral button-up, fabric skirt and tights - a remix of that initial costume. I actually felt really cute and my face was tolerable?
• So I watched I Saw the TV Glow when I was already heavily questioning so I thought it wouldn't hit me, but hoo boy it hasn't left my mind.
• Worked through the workbook You and Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman-Fox. After mental health prep, it has activies for analyzing one's gender expression at a young age, analyzing sources of guilt/shame surrounding one's identity, evaluation of body/thoughts/preferences
• Got really drunk one night and told some of my besties I was trans
• Didn't trust any of the above and browsed The Gender Dysphoria Bible while trying to distract myself with video games. It was so pointedly relable that I put a trans flag in the bio of one of my socials

Maybe Not Self-Evident but Definitely Sus

• Have never related to manly activities growing up, never into physical activities
• Avoided shaving as long as possible because I was told it would make the hair grow faster and I super didn't want that
• Arguably relieved that I never grew chest hair
• I basically never pee standing. Bad vibes.
• On several ocassions, thought "I mean if I met a female Future Me, I'd transition immediately? That's just sensible?"
• I absolutely love wearing nail polish and since starting I wear it more than I don't
• My first girlfriend was trans and she dumped me because of this suspected egg behavior
• Have never made long term plans. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "IDK i try not to think about it"
• The first night I told some besties I was trans, I immediately felt a 5 year plan form regarding where that puts me, what kind of outfits I'd want to wear, what other milestones I've heard would be hit during a medical transition
• I've bought multiple skirts at this point, and every time I wear one I start fantasizing about outfits I could wear to complement them.
• Instagram is giving me voice training content and I've been practicing
• Instagram keeps presenting me with tgirl influencer content and I keep watching them, especially the ones that are like 'how do i know if i'm trans'. They're really pretty and I'm jealous
• I finally have big hoop earrings and they make me feel so cute
• I have debated trans-ing my self-insert-adjacent Runescape character since like 2008?? It's only 30k gp and I've had that for a while but like would he want that?
• Got jealous that little sister (didn't know that at the time) made a girl Mii, so I made a gamer girl xbox avatar as like very quietly what I wished I could look like. Flared jeans, green gamer tshirt, curled hair, small silver hoop earings...
• When I made a Guild Wars 2 character, she was a beautiful above-avg height woman with chainmail, magic, and a big hammer (honestly Sister of Battle coded). And i'd fucking rp walk around and rp mouse look at women who walked by and felt so so immersed
• I have been enjoying all manner of TGTF slop on deviantart since 2015. I mean there's definitely other stuff (ASFR is the only one I'll grant you) but this is the umbrella for the weird horny turns-man-into-clay-and-then-lovingly-reforms-them-into-a-beautiful-woman that hit so many sweet spots. A decade of inexplicable jealousy.
• oughh Elster from Signalis.... why don't i look like you 1:1..... (since I saw some initial fan art I was always like that's it that's peam performance)
• Fortnite skin Twyn is a buff soldier man that puts on a vr headset and literally becomes a slim punk girl with an undercut, purple skirt and platform boots and you fuckin' KNOW I grinded out the battle pass till I got her. My friends were like "man this battlepass got nobody good" and i was like UM boy becomes cute girl hello
• Hey, at one point Fortnite had a cool wolf power that came from a female singer model with a wolf head cover. And you'd stand in a designated area, do the dance, and the girl's hologram would slowly slide over your model and you'd become a girl yourself but with wolf powers.
• I borrowed a Valve vr headset for game development while in college, and an early part of the process was downloading the unity default anime girl (who was t-posed) and then getting a bit giddy about the idea of aligning my arms to match the pose and seeing the girl body instead.
• Heard that cross-avataring in VR Chat was like a sure-fire way to help illuminate what you'd want as your body and thought about being a girl for an ordinary amount of time
• When I was playing [Prototype] 2[sic] (a game about violence and absorbing people to take their form), went out of my way to consume women so I can play as one for a bit, and did lament that all the NPC's that disguise-gated content were all men so I had to shift from being a woman to play those missions. I did forget about all that during standard gameplay, but I guess arguably whenever I thought about who I was presenting as I did wonder why it couldn't be a woman.
• At one point, my buddy convinced me and another to play Roblox. And one such game was called Womanly Infection (which is of course a standard Infection gamemode, wherein 'normal people' shoot 'zombies' until they become them. In this case the 'zombies' were themed girls). There were like two dozen methods in the environment to get infected (such as if you fall in a pool you become a beach girl with an innertube. The normal part was playing. The sus part was then after the fact making a document tracking what each girl variant looks as to become the cutest one, for science. (I remembered the moth girl and the obama girl, but there was like gamer, vampire, anthro-horse, Supreme, Dream minecraft girls and more)
• One of the last two times I got a haircut from a friend (professional barber), I asked for whatever he thought would look good, and then felt pointed but non-specific disappointment when he gleefully gave me a really nice men's cut.
• Have not cut my hair in months now
• My older sister squinted at my hair and laughed, singing that I was balding. I brushed it off at the time, but like along side the debate about when I should book a haircut, I felt thinning on top of my head, and felt such a visceral "no this is wrong if I die without transitioning I will die unfulfilled". It's cool though, the feeling subsided within a couple days 👍️

Checking In

I made this page like the day after I decided I was trans. I was pointed toward a clinic that could evaluate me for medical transition, though it took me some time to even look at the booking page let alone complete the form. As I write this, I have an appointment booked and boy are my arms tired am I nervous.

Really, this page is about putting together the most concrete case I have for me continuing on this pathway.

It would be a huge deal if it happened to help anyone else, but idk I still feel like maybe I'm just lying and I should die a man and I'm screaming to a frozen arcade room. Don't die wondering, they say.

Fun Zone

Characters that I head spun about, like wait that should be me

I'll put the images at some point

• Elster Signalis
• fem!Shez Fire Emblem

Actually list aborted I'm looking at Nightraven Fiora LeagueOfLegends and I think we're back into sapphic* territory.

* Which I will not be confirming until months into the process to see if it was strictly jealosy and/or like a himejoshi** situation.

** Because like I see women kissing and I wish one of them was me but like we all do that. The real thing is like my sense of self is like brain and like a good half foot in front of me? You ever see like a Video Game camera module that has viewing minimum and maximum and you slide the minimum so it's outside of your avatar because no one would want to actually see that....? You know what, actually don't think about that.

Rename the new me

I've been thinking about this for over a month now but haven't settled and probably won't for a while.

'Him'